Thread:D3ADS3NT/@comment-29271015-20170508153630

Danny, oh Danny... I do wish that you could see how you've truly ruined my life, and all because I was an honest girlfriend, because I didn't want to hide the fact that I slipped up. I wanted to be completely honest with you, no secrets, right? So I told you about something that had happened, that I had indeed made a mistake. I begged for you to forgive me, that I still loved you, but I guess my words rang empty to you. Evidently, you broke up with me! You could have left it there, you could have just left and said nothing more. But you took our conversation out of the PM where it should have stayed and you dragged it into the main chat, called me out for a snake and a liar and a whore. My reputation on the wiki was ruined that day because of you, my heart was crushed into millions of pieces, and I cried harder that night because of you than I have ever cried before. I know what I did hurt you, really badly. Long distance relationships are so hard and I was so lonely that I guess I slipped up. But it was nothing short of a mistake and the guilt and heartbreak was taking over me, I couldn't hide something like that from you. I kept asking myself for days, "Maybe I should have just hidden it from him. Maybe I would still be with the boy I fell in love with." - But I wouldn't have been able to hide it, in all honesty. Yes, I kissed someone else while I was with you, and that was the biggest mistake I have ever made. But would you have preferred that I hide it from you? You said that I started distancing myself after we started dating, how I never PM'ed you or answered you. But I did everything, in most cases it was always ME messaging you first and YOU taking hours on end to respond to me. I did everything I could to save our relationship, but you ignored my words that were true, just as you always have. I tried so fucking hard for you, you have no idea. But you also have no idea how in love with you I was, and kind of still am. You came in and out of my life so often, but I didn't care because I truly did love you. And I never ever wanted to hurt you, everything that happened was completely out of my control. But you didn't believe me, you didn't let me explain myself, after I tried so hard to explain. I had tried so hard to be the perfect girlfriend for you, but I guess I simply wasn't enough. I feel like you never fully trusted me. I was scared to tell you about my day some days, especially when I had been hanging around the guys practically all day or when I was physically touching (non sexual) my male friends, who always managed to make me feel better with just a hug. I couldn't tell you about half of the bullshit I go through, because I didn't want to worry you with my issues when I knew you had your own to deal with! I tried so hard to be a good girlfriend, no, a GREAT girlfriend for you, and I always came up short. You had put me on this high to the sky pedestal and I felt as if I could never reach your expectations, it was only a matter of time before I slipped up. Everyone makes mistakes, however, Danny. And I know for a fact that you know very well that mistakes can seriously hurt people. I get it, I know what I did was terrible and you got really hurt by everything. But what you did? You crossed about 50 lines. And then you went and warned Caya about me, how I use people and throw them away when I get bored... I have never used any of you, nor would I ever use any of you. You treated me like royalty, yes, but there was a hidden side that I never saw to you. I praised you, I treated you like you were a God to me. I don't think I've ever responded so fast to someone, I was always quick to respond to you, I always wanted to talk to you and you were always on my mind. I praised you so much to my friends, and maybe this was all my fault because I fell too hard for you too fast. But I have learned quickly to hate you. Now, do mind that how I feel towards you has absolutely nothing to do with how I feel towards your sister, Finch. But this isn't about Finch, this is about you. You destroyed me, mentally and emotionally and physically. I'm still trying to recover after what happened, and I have the scars to show; LITERALLY. I relapsed because of you, I have so many scars over my shoulders and my thighs because of the emotional damage you have caused to me. I remember sitting on the top of a bridge on that Sunday night, the Sunday after you had left me, and I came so close to jumping off and into the water below. I came so close, you have no idea how close I actually was. The next day I went to that same exact bridge, and I took that blade to my skin after 4 months of being clean. You ruined me, you completely broke me down. You made me feel like a horrible person, you broke me down entirely and you make me feel like a whore and a snake. I am human, I am going to make mistakes. If you thought that the one, singular thing that happened between the guy and I was the worst thing I could have done, then you'd have hated how close I was with my *girl*friend, Kelsey. But you're never going to know, because you don't deserve to know what's going on in my life anymore. You don't deserve to know about my friends or my love life, you don't deserve to know about my roleplaying life anymore, or my real life. You don't get to know about me, you don't get to know anything anymore. Because you threw that away when you treated me the way you did, when I tried so hard to explain myself and to apologize, I wanted desperately to work things out and for you to forgive me, but no. You threw me away and treated me like a dirty whore. Which is one thing I know for certain I am not, but for some unknown reason, you treated me like the filthiest whore in the world, and you completely disregarded my pleas and my cries for you. If you truly loved me, you'd have actually listened to me, and hear me out. But you blindsided me, for the last time. I seriously thought I was done with this letter. I guess not, because believe it or not, today (4/27/17) you messaged me. I don't know why you thought you could message me, just out of the blue. But you did, and my heart sank faster than the Titanic. I just let the message sit there for a couple of hours before I actually responded. It wasn't even a long message, it was exactly this: "Hey..." - And I don't know why it took me so long to respond to you, but I took a good long time. I wanted to be sure that I knew what I was getting myself into if I actually responded to you. I put one knife in your back, but that means nothing compared to the hundreds of knives you've put in the backs of my friends and even my own. You honestly broke me down again with just a simple message. Because I still have those messages you sent me, I still look at them and feel my heart break all over again. You may think that I'm the one who ruined you after what happened between us. But in comparison, if you look back on our history, you've always been the one ruining me. And I let you back into my life every time. Every damn time, I let you back, because I wanted to believe that you had changed. I completely ignored what everyone was saying about you, because I wanted to believe that you were truly changed, that you were a better person. But I was wrong, oh how I was wrong. I know the mistake I made, but I wanted to be honest and true, so I told you the truth. Even your sister Finch "took my side" and told me that you had overreacted and took things too far! Your own SISTER, Danny. I'm honestly taking a whole week to write this letter to you, because I just keep finding more and more I want to say. I look back on the messages we sent back and forth to each other, how in love we were and how bright our future was together. I don't want you to think that I ruined it, because I didn't. I know I betrayed your trust with one mistake, but we could have talked it out and we could have come to terms and fixed everything. But then you took things way too far, you blew things out of proportion and you completely ruined me. Danny, I was so close to committing suicide. Because when all of this came crashing down, I was going through so much IRL that you couldn't have even begun to understand. Which is why I wanted to fix things with that one guy, because I wanted my life to slowly regain stability again, and I did that by fixing things with people I had ruined things with. No, I did not intend for that kiss to happen. But when it did, I was absolutely crushed and I knew I had to tell you because the guilt was just sweeping over. Not long after you ruined me the way you did, things in my friend group began to come down and I was sent over the edge. I was relapsing every night for three nights, and on that fourth morning, I went to a bridge and I walked along the railing of it, just contemplating jumping. I came so close to doing it, and then my friends began to reach out to me, and they began to tell me how much they really needed me. And that? That was what I needed. Not the shit that you had put me through, because after you lashed at me this last time, I began to look at the screenshots of the last argument we had and everything you had sent to me. I couldn't get you out of my mind, and not in the "lovey dovey relationship" way - In the "look at what you did, you ruined me" kind of way. It was terrible, the way you did me. And maybe I did deserve a little of how you treated me this last time, because I did you wrong. But I didn't deserve to have my reputation ruined, I didn't deserve to have my words and my apologies and my pleas ignored. Actually, no one does. No one, not even you for how wrong you did both me and my friends. You hurt me more times that I could ever hurt you, like I honestly would ever want to hurt you. I never tried to, I never meant to. Because I was absolutely, positively, in love with you. And the last time I felt this in love was with my last relationship about a year or so ago. You had stolen my heart, and then you just ... Shattered it, three times actually. And I came crawling back to you every time because I was still in love with you! I had never really managed to move on from you, and every time you had messaged me it was like I was falling in love with you all over again. I don't think you truly understand, you had me wrapped around your finger, all the way from Minnesota! No one has ever truly gotten me wrapped around them like you had, and although I made one slip up, I was still wanting more than anything to fix things with you, I was willing to fight for you! All of those messages I had ever sent you, I was speaking nothing short of the truth. I was truly in love with you, you had someone who was willing to do anything for you, and you let that go. I'm never going to be truly done with this letter. I realize that now, as it is May 7th and I'm still writing this letter. Because I have so much that I wish you truly understood about what happened. But I don't think you will ever truly understand what happened, because you're just stubborn. And I'm not meaning to insult you, I'm truly not. Im just speaking the truth. Because you ARE stubborn, in the good and bad way. You refused to let me go, and I fell in love with you for that. But when I needed you to keep me, when I needed you to listen to me and to fight for me, you didn't. And you were hella quick to start accusing me and to start swinging those insults at me. And accusing me of caling you a monster? When did I ever say to you that you were a monster? If you look back on every conversation we've had, never once have I called you a monster. And I never truly believed it, even now I don't. Despite everything, I don't think I consider you a monster. Why that is, I have no idea. But even though you completely ruined me, and maybe I deserved some of it, I don't think you're a monster. If you were to come back in a couple of months when my life is back to normal and I am happy, when I am free and possibly in a new relationship *lol jk that's never gonna happen*, I honestly don't know what my reaction would be. Maybe I'll be warm towards you, and maybe I'll be cold. And no, it wouldn't depend on what kind of day it is. But it you respond with a simple "Hey..." or even a short sentence, you probably wouldn't get the best of reactions. But if you were to send a whole paragraph, no, an essay, explaining how sorry you are, and what an asshole you were to me and my friends, then maybe we'll talk. Because I'm tired of this, I really am. You once had me around your finger, I was willing to do anything for you. But not anymore, because my eyes have genuinely been opened to you. I'm not expecting you to come back, and if you ever do decide to come back, I pray to God that you don't expect to get close to me again. I will remain close with your sister, because honestly I adore her and she's been nothing but sweet to me, except for that one time but that's long since forgotten. Finch had nothing to do with all of this, and like I said earlier, she has(d) taken my side in all of this. She reached out to me, she continued to talk to me, she continued to be my friend. When the best you could do was up and disappear because YOU were heartbroken, because YOUR life was "ruined". You think your life was ruined? You think I hurt YOU? Think about all of the times that YOU hurt ME, Danny. Think about all those times my friends came to me because you started up an argument with them, about the times you got yourself suspended for starting shit with others, for being aggressive and starting unnecessary drama, think about all the times that you had slung insults at me for doing something you didn't approve of, like not joining your group or leaving a group just as you joined it. But what I can't seem to wrap my mind around is why you don't stay and talk things out, like any normal person would do. Yes, give yourself some time to cool off and all. But you disappear for weeks on end when things go wrong, and you seem to completely ignore any and all chances and choices to fix any issue in front of you, even if you were the one who started the whole ordeal. I truly wish you would learn, Danny, sweetie. I truly wish you would. I'm honestly surprised that you haven't learned by your *multiple* mistakes of the past yet, how you keep repeating history and how everything just goes the same and leaves you wondering why. Why? Because you don't seem to learn from your mistakes. You're still the same bull-headed, confrontational, stubborn guy I've always known. And we've known each other for how long? At least since August or September of 2016. And although that's not as long as most of the other people I know on the wiki, that's still a decently long time. I get rants from Dani and from Neveah about how you've acted around them and how you've treated them, and it's always seemed to be the same dang thing, so why have you not learned yet that you're making the same mistakes and it's truly turning you into a monster? You're like a big wolf in a small sheep's clothing: You're really bad at hiding who you really are, except to those who are blind. I just wish I wasn't one of those blind idiots. I got so many warnings from a few different people, some of them you obviously know of, like Dani or Neveah. I didn't listen to them, however, because I did really love you, and I was willing to do anything for you, even if it meant ignoring the warnings from my friends and the signs that you were a so-called "monster" - Although I will never admit that, even to myself that you are a monster, still to this day, even after the way you've treated me. I don't know why you didn't understand that I am human and I make mistakes. You crawled back to me and you begged me for forgiveness after the last time you had hurt me, and I forgave you, although it wasn't easy for me to do at all. I don't know why I ever expected you to do the same for me though, when I so desperately wanted your forgiveness and to get a second chance. I gave you a second chance, hell I even gave you a third chance! But you couldn't bare to give me a second chance, was it too hard for you to do that? I thought you loved me, but I guess I was wrong. And before you go and try to retort with the, "I waited for you for months, only to be turned on in a couple of days", I tried so hard to explain myself to you, I tried so hard to beg for your forgiveness and I prayed you of all people would understand that humans make mistakes. But I was wrong, oh I was wrong. I just wish that I wasn't wrong ... I had to get everything out. But I don't want to get attacked for my words, which is why I'm closing this thread. I just wanted you to see that you aren't the only victim, that you aren't the only one who was ruined because of this. I want you to finally open your eyes, to truly change. I am openly admitting that I did wrong, that what I did was terrible but it was a mistake. I wanted to gain control in my life, but I couldn't control what he did. But you could have heard me out, and instead you brought a PRIVATE conversation out in to the main chat. They don't call it a PRIVATE message for nothing, you know. I tried to apologize, I tried so hard to get you to listen to me. But I'm done apologizing. I bet you're going to remove this message from your wall once you read it, honestly. But you know what I want? I want an explanation for your actions, for what YOU did to ME. But like I said, I'm closing this thread to prevent any unneeded arguments from anyone not involved in this, which there are very few people actually, considering you dragged this into the main chat. But regardless, if you try to message me on Hangouts, I will not receive it, as I have deleted it as of today (5/8/17). I just realized this message took a week to compose, because I had so much I wanted to say to you. I hope you read every word and you truly do listen to me. Because this is the last time I am ever explaining myself to you. 