User blog:Eyota/Weekly Journal - V.2 - 2017

April 16th, 2017
Today was decent. Well, better than I thought it would be. Better compared to yesterday. I didn't have a good sleep because I kept thinking of how my mother would react to what I said to her:

"Hey. I wanted to talk to you about what I yelled about at you last night, about you being drunk. Truth is, yeah, I am totally done with it. I have tried to be supporting of you and dad, but all you've been is miserable and drunk ALL of the time. Don't talk to me about this IRL because i'll refuse to answer any questions you have for me. We'll only talk about it here, where I am comfortable. You want to know why dad is always mad at you? Because you're drunk every other night, mom. Because you hide the wine everywhere. Because you're miserable. And when you are drunk all the time, that effects me, too. Makes me feel like I mean nothing. I've dealt with it these past two years, and i've been more miserable than I have been in my whole life because of it. It was easier when Brian was around, and when i was younger, because I didn't know what was going on. Now that I do.. It drives me insane. And i'm done feeling miserable because you can't stop drinking. I'm failing math, and you know why? Because you and dad stress me out so bad. I have social anxiety because you're both yelling all the time. Because i'm afraid that if I talk to someone or ask them for help, they're not going to be able to. That's why I rely on the internet so much. Because I haven't been able to talk to you or dad about how i feel, so i go to my online friends. And neither of you understand how important roleplay is to me. Now you know why. Because it gives me an alternate universe, away from all the drama real life has to offer. I'm so frustrated with it. You have no idea. You need to get help with your alcohol problem, and you need to do it soon. I'm done with all of this. ALL of it." - Last night.

I was bawling as I wrote this. Ask anyone that was on that late-night skype call, supporting me as best they could. Doing whatever. Ask my friend, Jaedyn, who was angered when I called, crying into the phone. Ask Ava, Reilly, Zoie, and Schuyler. They know.

But i'm trying to move on. Mom says she'll try to get help, but I doubt she will. I doubt anyone cares but me.

Aha, my daily rant goes to those who quit something and try to come right back! No, I won't name names, either.

If you give up something and you weren't doing your job in the first place, there's no sense in trying to come back all of a sudden and take back control. What's the point of that?

Anyways!! Today we had an Easter cookout, and that was cool- except this little girl, Sarah (yeah, she has the same name as me lmfao) pestering me. I think she's what.. 7? I don't keep track. But she made me get sprayed by the hose, which happened to be FREEZING cold-ass water. Wonderful, right? Oh well.

We took turns riding Chester (my horse) and he did wonderfully. I liked watching people fail at riding a horse, it was kind of funny. Brian (the big one, not my brother) thought he knew it all when he came to horses, but when I let him on Chester- HA. He couldn't get chester to MOVE. And when he gave me back the reigns and I got back on, I sped off and left him in the dust. Funny what practice does, huh? Funny what a bond does.

I think i've lost my bonds with any humans. Most bonds I have are with animals now. She left me, and it sucks, but that's okay. I feel like we weren't together anyways. I still want to meet her, though.. 1795 days is a long time.

I feel like an absolutely shitty leader for Hounds of Odious. I've been under so much stress, anxiety, and been so busy that I haven't been able to do ANYTHING. Including the fact that I have a 65 F in Math (have for a while now lmfao) and I haven't been able to practice a speech i have to memorize for tuesday when I have my Honours Society induction ceremony. Fuck.

Oh well.

1795 days.

I'll get through it.