User blog:Eyota/51017

I am fading slowly and miserably, and I can not do anything about it. I am stuck in a pit of regret and loss that I seem to not be able to get out of, no matter the desperation I use to try.

Every day, each breath, is an ache. Not just an ache that tends to linger for moments and fade- no, this is an ache that does not go away. It pierces your lungs until they are mangled to bits, leaving you to remember the things that once made you happy.

Each day I will sit at my bed and stare at my computer, wondering and hoping, feeling for something good. Something, or anything- anyone who could help.

Nothing comes. Ever.

I feel like I reach out to others as much as possible. Or at least I have.

I've posted messages on Instagram. I've had long conversations with Reilly and Jaedyn, telling them about how I felt. Jaedyn expressed it wonderfully when she said I felt like I was a broken record: always stuck on repeat until my power is out or until the disk simply is too scratched to manage. I am reliving each day over, and over, and over again until the last one may come. I hope my last is soon.

I have tried to tell my mom about my anxiety and how sad I have been. I made a long facebook message to her about how I hated her drinking and that it made me sad all of the time:

"Hey. I wanted to talk to you about what I yelled about at you last night, about you being drunk. Truth is, yeah, I am totally done with it. I have tried to be supporting of you and dad, but all you've been is miserable and drunk ALL of the time. Don't talk to me about this IRL because i'll refuse to answer any questions you have for me. We'll only talk about it here, where I am comfortable. You want to know why dad is always mad at you? Because you're drunk every other night, mom. Because you hide the wine everywhere. Because you're miserable. And when you are drunk all the time, that effects me, too. Makes me feel like I mean nothing. I've dealt with it these past two years, and i've been more miserable than I have been in my whole life because of it. It was easier when Brian was around, and when i was younger, because I didn't know what was going on. Now that I do.. It drives me insane. And i'm done feeling miserable because you can't stop drinking. I'm failing math, and you know why? Because you and dad stress me out so bad. I have social anxiety because you're both yelling all the time. Because i'm afraid that if I talk to someone or ask them for help, they're not going to be able to. That's why I rely on the internet so much. Because I haven't  been able to talk to you or dad about how i feel, so i go to my online friends. And neither of you understand how important roleplay is to me. Now you know why. Because it gives me an alternate universe, away from all the drama real life has to offer. I'm so frustrated with it. You have no idea. You need to get help with your alcohol problem, and you need to do it soon. I'm done with all of this. ALL of it." - Sarah

She didn't respond. The next day when she wasn't drunk and I wasn't crying, she spoke to me and said she "forgot what it was like to be a teen," like it fucking mattered what age I am.

Worse than that, she hasn't done anything about it.

At all.

And guess what else? I'm failing Math AND ELA. Not to mention that I have a low C in Science and my History grade is the only good one i've got.

I am on my breaking point.

And before any of you tell me to talk to someone about it, fuck off. Don't you think I have fucking tried that before? I've contacted online counselors, I have tried to tell my mom, I have talked to almost ALL of you about it, and I have nothing else left. I have social anxiety to the point where I can not physically speak to anyone about it in real life. That is why I had Odious, and that is why I cared for it so much. But now it's gone. Great. Fucking M-A-R-V-E-L-O-U-S.

The only two friends who have truly, honestly stuck with me through it all have been Zoie and Reilly. That's all.

Two people. Wonderful, right? Right.

Have a pleasant night.

I hope your life is better than mine and stays that way.

Scratch that, it will be if I don't fucking kill myself first.